I just won’t

Go on, smile at me. Laugh at your own reasons, say how much you’re happy.
I will certainly smile back, but that’s because I have a sense of manners.
But look, there’s no reason for me to be happy with your reasons. It makes me relieved to know I don’t need to worry about you because you’re happy and smiling, but I can’t be happy about it. I won’t laugh with your adventures, I won’t start to live a fairy tail just because your dreams are coming true.
I don’t have to be patient just because you are. As well as I can’t just “get better” just because you want me to.
You may have high hopes, but I lost mine.

But don’t expect me to be there at the corner crying loud. I won’t cry.
Because, even though I have no hopes left, I still try to hold on reasons to feel alive. No, I’m not using people. No, I’m not lying. I’m not being a fake.
I’m trying to finally become myself and survive.
I am not obligating anyone to understand me. I’m not obligating anyone to like me. I don’t need anyone to say they’re on my side, because everyone is selfish and everyone decides to be selfish at the few (and really few, I hate asking for help) times I need them.
I’m also not obligating anyone to start giving me any recognition to what I do or did, because I never had it anyway, so I won’t miss it.

I’m just telling you that I never was myself, and I can’t become me yet.
Don’t you feel how suffocating it is to live in a shape that’s already too small for you to be inside?
So don’t expect me to smile with you.
This shape is already full of tears inside.