Spiriling like the swirling storm inside

… That’s like, my whole life, but well whatever.

Everything was perfectly fine….

Don’t lie, you idiot

Ok, I was ok and then something totally unexpected and awesome happened, and I was clinging into it so I’d keep living and stuff, and then comes my parents… No, my mom and ruins shit even more.

I know he’s only caring about me and all, but if it was only that I’d only say “Yes mom, okay mom, I’m sorry mom” for whatever she says, but the fucking way she speaks to me, like she is superior to everything and everyone, it get me TOTALLY MAD.

Who the heck said she is superior? She isn’t superior to anyone! By putting herself to awesomeness she is drowning herself in shame! My dad yes is superior, but he is because he puts his feet to the floor. He says “I have my level of evolution, I can’t do anything for people who doesn’t. But first, we’re all human.” and that is what makes him the awesome person he is. He exhales respect, and is respected. But mom… I’m starting to get ashamed… I respect her but she always looks like she’s giving me false respect, and like she’s never really looking right at me. She’s always trying to look inside my mind, but I don’t hide anything so it is just annoying the way she forces herself to keep looking firm and superior while trembling and speaking things that if anyone else, I’d punch’em in the face and walk away, but I can’t cuz she’s my mom.

If I depended on the way she treats me, I’d have gave up on school years ago, I’d have run away from home again but for somewhere really far.

But I’m not doing this for her.

I’m doing this for me.

I don’t care anymore. I’m only following her rules for this one more year.

Then I’ll be out.

I just won’t

Go on, smile at me. Laugh at your own reasons, say how much you’re happy.
I will certainly smile back, but that’s because I have a sense of manners.
But look, there’s no reason for me to be happy with your reasons. It makes me relieved to know I don’t need to worry about you because you’re happy and smiling, but I can’t be happy about it. I won’t laugh with your adventures, I won’t start to live a fairy tail just because your dreams are coming true.
I don’t have to be patient just because you are. As well as I can’t just “get better” just because you want me to.
You may have high hopes, but I lost mine.

But don’t expect me to be there at the corner crying loud. I won’t cry.
Because, even though I have no hopes left, I still try to hold on reasons to feel alive. No, I’m not using people. No, I’m not lying. I’m not being a fake.
I’m trying to finally become myself and survive.
I am not obligating anyone to understand me. I’m not obligating anyone to like me. I don’t need anyone to say they’re on my side, because everyone is selfish and everyone decides to be selfish at the few (and really few, I hate asking for help) times I need them.
I’m also not obligating anyone to start giving me any recognition to what I do or did, because I never had it anyway, so I won’t miss it.

I’m just telling you that I never was myself, and I can’t become me yet.
Don’t you feel how suffocating it is to live in a shape that’s already too small for you to be inside?
So don’t expect me to smile with you.
This shape is already full of tears inside.