Until…

Sometimes, in life, confusion hits me.

It gets me right in the head, sometimes spreading across my heart… And when I less expect it, I’m drowning in it and things are happening around me without giving me a chance to understand.

People around me are having thoughts. Feelings. Ideas. Sometimes even trying to think for me. Saying they know why I’m acting “weird”. But they don’t.

They can’t know. I’m the only one who can possibly understand why I’m “acting weird”. And I don’t think I’m acting weird, I don’t even see where I’m being different.

Is it because I feel like staying a couple feets away from everyone? Because I don’t want to be cuddly and warm like “I used to be”? But again, what’s the problem? Can’t I have a moment of being alone with myself? I don’t feel like I’m changing. I feel like I’m lonely in a different level.

I don’t carve for physical contact anymore. It’s obsolete. I need something else.

I need the care. The love. That sort of affection that’s so pure that people don’t even realize they’re being super adorable or extremely kind. When they do things for you for the sole purpose of seeing you smile once more, and only that. Because their true aim is making you happy, and not some second, or third intentions. Those people don’t need you to be theirs. They don’t need you to fullfill some kind of requirement to make them happy too. They’re just happy for you to exist, and you’re happy for them too.

That kind of true, pure love that most ignore these days. The love I feel, and many, many times, I get disappointed because I take too long to realize I’m not being retributed. To realize that no matter how much I sacrifice myself on the purpose of seeing the other person happy, they will never retribute because they don’t feel the same. Because they don’t recognize what I tend to do as something I do for them, but as something stupid.

I need someone to do that for me.

I need someone who can see all my little, important gestures of love and affection, and I want to suffer over cuteness and adoration over someone who does the same for me. Someone who calls me worried on the morning because they spent the night worried if I got home safely last night. Someone who runs off on the rain because didn’t want me to wait too long. Someone who comes see me with cookies and hot cocoa on a rainy day because I’m sick and stuck on bed. Someone who can’t help but smile while talking to me. Someone who shares tears and smiles with me and laughs at the past and everything we’ve been through.

But… I can’t just let go of everything and go after that.

I have some things I need to do. I have some things I need to finish. I have a dream I’m chasing after. I need to focus on those objectives and survive until I reach the goal.

I’m living a though quest and I need to move on. If that person exists… If this person is out there, hidden inside someone… I have to believe our paths will cross while I’m fighting to be who I wanna be.

I know you’re out there. I’m rooting for you.

I hope we’ll meet when we’re at our best.